Chapter 41 of 44

The Mid-Century Register

Drawn from the American domestic-humor tradition — Thurber's household at war with itself, Benchley losing to a simple task. The machinery is borrowed and the cargo is not: the comedy is in the conviction, never at anyone's expense.

92 verses

1. 1 Somebody in this house believes the electricity is leaking and I have to disprove it Please take the day
2. 2 I've been told the car frets if you run it low and I've run it low Not reassuring
3. 3 The toaster has started doing it early Not reassuring
4. 4 My kettle switches off before it's boiled and it has never been wrong before Not reassuring
5. 5 The refrigerator has been running and stopping in a way that seems responsive Please take the day
6. 6 I've been asked not to leave the house while the boiler is in this mood Not reassuring
7. 7 The vacuum has developed a note and the note has got lower Not reassuring
8. 8 My radiators come on in an order and today the order changed Please take the day
9. 9 The doorbell rang once with nobody there and it's a wired doorbell Not reassuring
10. 10 My washing machine finished nine minutes early and I'd like to know what it skipped Please take the day
11. 11 The clock in the hall runs fast in summer and slow in winter and it's a wind-up clock Please take the day
12. 12 My car starts on the third try and today it started on the first Please take the day
13. 13 The lamp in the front room comes on when a bus goes past Please take the day
14. 14 My smoke alarm has never once gone off and I've begun to hold that against it Please take the day
15. 15 Somebody here has a theory about the pipes and I've been asked to be present for it Not reassuring
16. 16 I've been told not to run the faucet and the heater together and I forget why Not reassuring
17. 17 My neighbor has an arrangement with the drains and I've been included in it Please take the day
18. 18 There's a rule in this house about the back door in winter and I broke it Please take the day
19. 19 I've been warned about the third stair and I'd forgotten there was a warning Please take the day
20. 20 The upstairs window has to be opened in a particular order Please take the day
21. 21 Somebody left instructions for the heating and the instructions have a diagram Please take the day
22. 22 I've inherited a way of handling the trash that I don't understand but do observe Please take the day
23. 23 There's a light in this house that we don't turn on Please take the day
24. 24 The previous tenant left a note about the shed and I've only just read it Please take the day
25. 25 A bed came down in the night and we're still establishing whose Not reassuring
26. 26 There was a noise at four and the household responded to it Not reassuring
27. 27 Somebody heard something walking round the dining table and the police came Please take the day
28. 28 A door slammed and three people came downstairs armed Not reassuring
29. 29 A shoe was thrown down the hallway last night as a precaution Please take the day
30. 30 The house filled with a smell at two and emptied of people by ten past Not reassuring
31. 31 We evacuated over something that turned out not to have happened Not reassuring
32. 32 Half the street left this morning because of a rumor Not reassuring
33. 33 Somebody pulled a handle they shouldn't have and the day is now about that Not reassuring
34. 34 A ceiling has come down in a room we don't use Concerning
35. 35 The whole house was awake between three and five and nobody can say why Please take the day
36. 36 Something in the loft moved from one end to the other over the course of a week Please take the day
37. 37 I've been defeated by a jar and I need a minute Concerning
38. 38 I set out to do one small thing at eight and it's now the whole morning Unverifiable
39. 39 I've been assembling something since Saturday and there are pieces left Concerning
40. 40 The instructions have a step four and no step three Concerning
41. 41 I've put the batteries in the right way round four times Concerning
42. 42 I've been on the roof and I'd rather come down slowly Not reassuring
43. 43 I've painted myself into a corner of the kitchen Not reassuring
44. 44 I've done the whole thing and now I have to undo it and do it again Unverifiable
45. 45 I've been holding something up for twenty minutes waiting for somebody Concerning
46. 46 I got the ladder out and then I looked at the ladder Concerning
47. 47 The thing I bought to fix it needs a thing to fix it Unverifiable
48. 48 I've reached the point in the job where I should have called somebody Concerning
49. 49 I've made it worse in a way that's now visible from the road Concerning
50. 50 I opened it to see what was wrong and now it's open Concerning
51. 51 I've been drawn into a dispute about a hedge Not reassuring
52. 52 There's a disagreement on this street and I've been asked to hold a position Please take the day
53. 53 Somebody has circulated a letter and my name is in the second paragraph Please take the day
54. 54 A meeting has been called about the parking and attendance is being noted Not reassuring
55. 55 I've been elected to something I wasn't standing for Please take the day
56. 56 There's a rota now and I'm on it twice Not reassuring
57. 57 My name has gone up on a board Please take the day
58. 58 A neighbor has begun leaving me things Please take the day
59. 59 I've been given a key I didn't ask for and I don't know what it opens Please take the day
60. 60 Somebody has been very thorough about something and I'm downstream of it Please take the day
61. 61 I said I'd be there in five minutes and I've been honest about that for an hour Concerning
62. 62 I'm on my way in the sense that I've made a decision Not reassuring
63. 63 I'm nearly ready, and I've been nearly ready since six Concerning
64. 64 I'm outside, but not outside where you are Not reassuring
65. 65 I'll be there before you notice I'm not Not reassuring
66. 66 I'm coming, I'm just not coming yet Concerning
67. 67 I've left, in the sense that I'm not staying Not reassuring
68. 68 I'm in the car and the car is in the driveway Concerning
69. 69 I've got my coat on and that's as far as it's gone Concerning
70. 70 I'm standing by the door with my keys and nothing is happening Not reassuring
71. 71 There's a way of shutting the back door and I've done it wrong Not reassuring
72. 72 Somebody in this house won't have the radio on during a storm Please take the day
73. 73 We've always run the water for a minute first and I don't know why Please take the day
74. 74 There's a chair nobody sits in and I've never asked Please take the day
75. 75 I've been told which stair not to stand on and I've forgotten which Please take the day
76. 76 Somebody put salt on the step this morning and it hasn't been cold Please take the day
77. 77 There's a picture that gets turned round in bad weather Please take the day
78. 78 I've been asked not to whistle in the house and I'd like to know the reason Please take the day
79. 79 The good scissors are somewhere and finding them is the whole morning Not reassuring
80. 80 Somebody has washed something that shouldn't have been washed Concerning
81. 81 We've got a drawer that everything goes in and I need something from it Concerning
82. 82 There's a jar in this kitchen that nobody will open and nobody will throw away Not reassuring
83. 83 I've been sent to find something that may not exist Not reassuring
84. 84 The car has to be started once a week and this is the week Concerning
85. 85 Somebody has an opinion about the thermostat and the opinion is winning Concerning
86. 86 There's a lamp that only works if you approach it correctly Not reassuring
87. 87 I've been told the roof does something in this weather and I have to check Please take the day
88. 88 The house makes a noise at a certain temperature and it's that temperature Not reassuring
89. 89 Somebody has always dealt with this and somebody isn't here Not reassuring
90. 90 There's a key on a nail in the shed and it's not for the shed Please take the day
91. 91 I've been given instructions that end mid-sentence Please take the day
92. 92 We had a man who came and did this and the man has stopped coming Not reassuring