Front matter
The Excuse Bible
Two thousand and three excuses, written down and arranged. Every one of them is stamped with how far it will get you, from the entirely believable to the sort of thing that ends the conversation.
Nothing here is advice. It is a comic reference work about the small lies of ordinary life, and the funniest thing in it is how reasonable the other person always sounds.
2,003 verses · 44 chapters · 16 books
The Books — by what you are getting out of
- Running late to work849
- Calling out of work996
- Working from home today778
- Getting out of a meeting778
- Blowing a deadline407
- Leaving early853
- Going dark on messages593
- Late to meet someone691
- Cancelling plans822
- Escaping a party522
- Turning down an invite692
- Missing class594
- Skipping a workout589
- Dodging a favor684
- Getting out of a family thing407
- Missing an appointment1031
The Chapters — by what went wrong
- The Treachery of Objects111
- Small Disasters26
- The Dwelling86
- Machines and Their Schedules22
- The Ceiling38
- Animals Have Plans87
- The Body Malfunctioning95
- Waiting Rooms20
- The Unwell44
- Lapses of Mind36
- Hours That Go Missing18
- The Job Itself80
- The Office51
- Work That Will Not Arrive83
- Reasons to Be at Home20
- Officialdom75
- Small Financial Emergencies20
- The Journey In72
- Cars, and How They Decline23
- Elsewhere31
- Weather and Calendar48
- The Kitchen49
- Errands46
- Appearing as a Finished Person19
- The Yard17
- The Street23
- Sounds You Cannot Locate20
- Going Dark19
- Communication Sideways19
- Devices47
- Other People79
- Arrangements19
- After Work22
- Out Among People21
- Escaping a Room55
- Relatives22
- People Who Cannot Drive Themselves31
- Coursework21
- Things Meant to Be Relaxing41
- How a Morning Fails24
- The Mid-Century Register92
- Vaudeville Literalism22
- The Uncanny44
- Fragments165
By how much you will be believed
- Plausible317
- Unverifiable666
- Concerning528
- Not Reassuring286
- Please Take the Day206
There is also a machine. ExcuseBot deals these one at a time at random, and it does the part this book leaves out: what the other person says back, and what you say to that.